Life is funny lately. As a 24 year old divorcee, I’m asked a lot of questions. I’m also given a lot of opinions that are definitely (if you know me at all) unsolicited. But the questions get me some days…
I was asked the other day if I missed him. If I regretted my decision. If I wished things would have worked out differently. If…if….If….IF! All the ifs in the world…and let me tell you, some days…the ifs can kill. Because then my mind goes down a separate line of thinking… What if I would have listened to wisdom from friends before we got married? What if I would have listened to the warning bells in my head a few months before the wedding? What if, what if, what if. Those questions kill me…
But to onlookers who only know that I’m divorced…my answer is always the same and has been since the moment the decision was made in my mind.
No. I don’t miss the one thing that caused me so much pain, anxiety, depression, self-doubt. How can anyone miss something that makes you feel so worthless, unloved, unappreciated, and undervalued? Someone who cuts you off from those who love you and would support you. Someone who has a part in turning you into something you didn’t know you could be – a monster that people run away from because you give off the darkness that consumes your thoughts and the deepest recesses of your heart and shows through your words and actions.
No. I have not once regretted my decision to choose life over death. To choose my well-being over that of his feelings. To choose a life of hope and joy over the darkness that was consuming me. There was no hope. No joy. No contentment. Nothing. My future was a black hole of nothing, and all I could see was nothing. Nothing at all. No life raft. No life ring to save me from drowning. No oxygen to breathe life back into my constricted lungs. And no one could save me.
No. I definitely don’t wish things would have worked out differently. Because even though it was hard trying to finish student teaching successfully while getting a divorce and moving out of the house we shared, it caused me to work that much harder for my students. Even though some days it feels like three years were wasted on a man who didn’t deserve me, I could’ve had a much worse fate somewhere else down the road. The only One who knows a different fate is the Lord, but I don’t play those games with myself.
I am in the here and now. I can fearlessly stand wide open in the sunshine, head back, eyes closed, arms out and breathe easy. I can laugh unadulterated, without holding back. It is a true laughter, true joy. I have deep contentment now. I teach my students, who every day bring me joy and laughter. I go to the gym every day, which gives me strength physically and mentally. I am confident and finally…FINALLY…have self-love, and I never thought that would happen. Not in a million years. I am surrounded by true friends, ones who never left but I didn’t want to contaminate. I spend so much time with family that sometimes my cousins feel like my own kids. I am able to attend church again, and soak in God’s promises and His Word. There is hope again. And light! Lots and lots of light.
Many things happened in my marriage that caused me to shy away from the Light. But no more…I am free, forgiven, and stand in the Light with arms wide open, head back, with the biggest smile on my face and my heart filled to bursting because life is good again. Life is most definitely good, my friends. And I can’t wait to keep walking in the Light and living again.